(no subject)

[cahn]

This is going to be a bit all over the place.

D's mom died yesterday, of uterine cancer. (95% of uterine cancer is not a particularly big deal. She had the 5% that was aggressive. Also? Fuck cancer.) It seems to have been generally peaceful and with not much pain, for which we're really grateful.

I like to tell people I won the mother-in-law lottery. Emma, as we called her (her initials were M.A.), was the nicest, sweetest, and also most personable person I've known. I think probably everyone who ever met her loved her. She was that kind of person. I've joked to D before that I probably married him at least partially because I thought she was so awesome. (D's whole family is awesome, really, but his mom was the best.)

I haven't talked any here (and very little offline/in RL, for that matter) about D's mom being ill, partially because, well, it's his mom, not mine; and partially probably from a place that comes from denial and not always knowing exactly what was going on. She was diagnosed in 2017 and chemo beat it back; the doctor said it had come back this April -- it had spread to her lungs -- and she went through chemo again. (There was some confusion as to how sure the doctor was, but subsequent events proved him entirely correct.) We saw her six weeks ago and though she was frequently tired and couldn't do much (we thought then from the chemo, but in retrospect probably also from advancing cancer) she was her usual upbeat self. I don't think the kids even really saw any difference in her from when she was completely well, except that she didn't go with them on museum trips and napped more. We knew that time was probably limited then but we didn't know how limited. (I was personally hoping for another year.) I have a chipper text from her on Sept 19th saying she'd call us the next day, but she never did because she was in the hospital instead. She came home after that, but D's dad contacted D and his siblings a week ago to tell them she was on hospice care and to come home, and the three of them all went to see her last weekend (he got back here on Wed.). I'm so glad they were able to do that, as D told me that Monday was the last day she was really alert.

Our kids are too young (E is 9, but emotionally she's still too young) for this to really affect them on an emotional level. A., I think, is not totally sure on what death means -- we've talked about it since we've known Emma was going to die for about a month, and he knows about bugs dying and things like that, but I don't think he really gets it. I hope A. remembers her. I know E. will remember her and probably even miss doing things with her, and she knows what death means in an intellectual sense, but it's hard for her to really get it or to think that it's something she should be upset about.

D is doing okay, I think. He went to work yesterday and today. There's a sort of weird way in which it doesn't really affect our day-to-day routine (or, well, not until we go out for the funeral next week) -- I mean, the 4-year-old still has to have breakfast and the 9-year-old still has to get to school and parent-teacher conferences are still happening and teeth still need to be brushed -- and I think that is a good thing right now. (Also our kids are hilarious. Actual quote from yesterday:
D: Who wants part of a stroopwaffle? [those really sweet waffle cookies United gives on the plane]
E: Me!
A: ME! ME!
A: What is it?)

It seems like death involves a lot of work. It seems like instead of going and hiding in a cave the bereaved people have to do a lot of Stuff. (Well, D is across the country so although he took care of a fair amount while he was back visiting, he's actually been insulated from a lot of it, which is primarily falling on his brother/sister-in-law and father who are actually there. But even D has to wrangle scheduling and obituaries and a lot more communication than he's used to doing...) I guess it keeps the people busy and brings them together (D and his siblings have talked more than I've ever seen them do) and reminds them there's a community of support. But it still seems like a lot of work if what you actually want to do is hide in a cave (probably D).

Comments

[umadoshi]

I'm so sorry. Fucking cancer. ;_;

[cahn]

Thank you. And yes, fucking cancer!

[mildred_of_midgard]

So sorry to hear this. Fuck cancer. Also entropy in general. *hugs*

A: ME! ME!
A: What is it?

Oh, kids. <3

[cahn]

Yeah. I agree! Thanks.

Heh, he's pretty cute :)

[thistleingrey]

It is a ton of work, yes.
I am sorry. Day to day things are useful.

[cahn]

It just seems rather paradoxical! They do have a good support network, but... still.

Thank you.

[forestofglory]

May her memory be a blessing.

[cahn]

Thank you. It is.

[ase]

I'm so sorry for D. and his siblings.

Good for A. for continuing his stand-up comedy practice!

[cahn]

Thank you. Yes, he continues to be hilarious :) (Sometimes he is clearly doing it intentionally -- he is a little ham -- but often not, as in this case.)

[wendelah1]

I'm sorry for your loss. She sounds wonderful. What a blessing she must have been to your family.

[cahn]

She was such a blessing to us (and to everyone else). Thank you.

[zdenka]

I'm sorry for your loss. Her memory for a blessing. (And yeah, fuck cancer.)

[cahn]

Her memory is indeed a great blessing, thank you. (And. Yes.)

[isis]

My condolences to you and your family.

[cahn]

Thank you. <3

[selenak]

I'm so sorry. Hugs to you and your family.

[cahn]

Thank you, I appreciate it. <3

[skygiants]

I'm so, so sorry. (The rituals and logistics of death in this country are, indeed, manifold and baffling. But I'm glad there is a community of support.)

[cahn]

As someone who is at best foreign to rituals and social logistics, it has been quite baffling to me! But I do think they are getting a lot of support. I am hoping that once we can get out there (D is looking for tickets right now) we can be more helpful as well; I feel a little useless way out here.

[genarti]

I'm so sorry. (Fuck cancer.) She sounds like a wonderful person.

[cahn]

She was amazing. (And, yeah.)

[hamsterwoman]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your mothr-in-law sounds like a wonderful person.

[cahn]

She was really great. Thank you.

[sophia_sol]

I'm so sorry to you and your family for your loss.

[cahn]

Thank you <3

[rosefox]

May you find comfort in many happy memories of her.

Fuck cancer.

[cahn]

Thank you. We do indeed have many happy memories of her.

And, yeah.

[morbane]

I'm sorry. I'm glad you were able to know her. Fuck cancer.

[cahn]

Thank you. I am very glad I was able to know her. And, yes.

[landingtree]

I'm very sorry. She sounds a wonderful person; I'm glad you could know her.

[cahn]

She was a wonderful person, and I am lucky to have had her in my life. Thank you.

[iberiandoctor]

C, I’m so very sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was an amazing woman, and very much loved. I lost my beloved MIL eight years ago (liver cancer), when our kids were around your kids’ ages, and we still miss her a lot. Hug everyone for me, okay? Sending lots of love 💗

[cahn]

Thank you. She was very much loved. I'm sorry you went through it too, although in a way it's kind of reassuring to hear that you still miss her, if that makes a weird kind of sense? I want her memory to still be important to us for years and years. <3

[iberiandoctor]

I’m very glad it was reassuring to hear! We have so many great memories of her that we still share to this day — my 88 year old FIL wrote a book last year, for instance, and it was filled with stories and photos of her and the life they shared, filled with kids and grandkids and holidays and love, and it was wonderful <3 Thinking of you guys as you say your goodbyes next week <3

[cahn]

That sounds marvelous <3

[joycec]

Death is a lot of work. Also, the trajectory you're feeling - as much as grief has a trajectory, it's more like a blob - is totally normal. Much love to y'all and yours.

[cahn]

That was really helpful <3 Thank you for that <3

(Also, I guess I won't be seeing you next week after all -- give my regrets to everyone.)