(no subject)

[cahn]

Well. Sunday was interesting. Not in a bad way, indeed in what will ultimately, I think, be a good and happy way, but in an unexpectedly bittersweet and emotional way.

First, some nomenclature. You've probably heard this from me before, but in the LDS Church, a congregation (100-300 people) is called a ward, and the leader is called a bishop (together with two counselors is called a bishopric). A group of five to ten wards is organized into a stake. The leader of the stake is a stake president (together with two counselors a stake presidency). (All "callings" -- church jobs -- up to the stake level are lay positions and people take them on in addition to their regular jobs, without pay. Bishops usually hold their calling for between 4-7 years; Stake Presidents for more like 9-12.) Stakes are organized into... areas, I think, but at that point I kind of stop caring. But this is all very rigidly and hierarchically organized. Each ward has a "ward boundary" which is a line drawn on a map delineating an area; in that area any LDS members who live there attend that particular ward. D and I moved outside of my then-ward (let's call it Ward G) boundaries when we bought our house (and not coincidentally had E), and I had to move wards, to the ward I am now in (let's call it Ward M). I was really sad to leave (it's also kind of hard to explain to a non-LDS person -- D was like, "Why can't you keep going to your old ward?" but you really can't, I mean, you could show up at another ward but you only "officially" exist in your particular ward and your church life and your callings are made there). I was really worried about going to Ward M, but it's all been amazing. Ward M is the one I've been talking about in this DW, with the crazy music program and the awesome people and the new amazing bishop and my utterly amazing calling as gospel doctrine (Sunday School / scripture) teacher.

The new amazing bishop is no longer new; this is his third year, so this would ordinarily be about halfway through his tenure. He's still pretty amazing, though. I would be at two full years of being Gospel Doctrine teacher in couple of months. (This calling is usually for about 4 years, though it can range from a couple of months to tens of years, depending on how the ward works.) The music program has dwindled to basically nothing, unless you count every so often I get together with the good pianist and play violin at church, because we have no one to run it or participate in it. So many people have moved (this is most of the problem -- we live in a high COL area), left the Church, or died. (Three people in the last year, which seems like a lot.) There are three wards in my city right now (my ward M, my old ward G, and a third ward S), and they're all getting fairly small and it's hard to find enough people to do all the jobs that need to be done in a ward.

Yesterday I went into church and saw the stake presidency sitting up on the stand and wondered why. (They usually don't all come except at pre-specified times, and this wasn't one of those times.) The stake president said something of the sort -- "You're probably wondering why we're all here --" and then he proceeded to tell us that he knew, none better, that the wards were getting smaller.

And then he told us, very very gently and compassionately, that he and his counselors had prayed a lot about what to do in a way that would be least disruptive for the least number of people, and finally they had applied for permission, and had it granted (remember that we are a highly hierarchical church? Had to apply up to the top level), to dissolve our ward, Ward M, and move the ward boundaries so that we are absorbed into Ward G and Ward S.

Next Sunday will be the last Sunday of my ward's existence.

(It's a very short timeframe and part of me wishes we'd had more time to get used to the idea. But at the same time I understand why it makes sense to make a clean swift break.)

This happens a lot, of course, and even in this city I know they've reorganized the wards and the boundaries several times before. And I'm going to Ward G, where I was before; it is a lovely ward. And I'm moving to the ward that's getting the majority of my current ward. I'm not even losing that many of the people I care about. (...but what about her, and him, and them, and those -- oh, anyway. Of course the ones who are going to the other ward, we're not really losing them at all, they'll still be there, but the fact is that unless you make a huge effort you don't see them as much, you don't make your life with them.) In some sense it's not, it shouldn't be, a big deal at all. But --

But our ward is an organic thing, all the interrelationships and the ways we interact with each other in our callings to serve one another and outside our callings and the ward traditions that have built up and even the tensions over the ward traditions (hee) and -- and it is a real thing that exists, and won't in another week.

(In fandom language, because exchanges are the other thing I've been preoccupied with in this last week: Imagine that it was announced a week before reveals that this was the last year of Yuletide. And then it was going away. And, you know, there are lots of other exchanges and the same people would still be around and still doing them and you'd still get to interact with them in the other exchanges but -- Well. That's a little how I feel.)

And. Our bishop has believed so strongly in building our ward up as a community, as a family, as a place where we could explicitly ask questions and disagree and doubt and have quasi-heretical thought processes like me and just be ourselves without judgment, a place where we love and serve each other and build each other up. And he has infected us all with his dream. I have been seeing this happen in Relief Society (the women's class) and I hear that it has been happening in Priesthood (the men's class). I've been doing all I can to make it happen in Gospel Doctrine (part of what has been so very amazing about this last year -- sometime maybe I'll make a post on it). We've all been working toward this, not just organically by having lots of great people around (all three wards in this area are awesome like that, honestly -- lots of really wonderful people), but consciously and coherently. With God we have built something special that we love very very much and that I think was and is something to be proud of, our ward family.

And now it's time to dismantle it and move on. And that's right too. And if we can take some of that, what we've learned, with us, then all the better that we can use it to help others too. But it's still so bittersweet, that the thing itself will be gone.

And something that I think I, at least, am feeling vaguely confused about, is how we are going to relate to everyone else. Everyone's being released from our callings next Sunday night. And we'll get new ones, of course! But to a certain extent people's callings define some aspect of how we relate -- that person is E's Primary (kids) teacher, this person is the Bishop, other person is etc. -- and now it's just this big amorphous question mark. It's a minor thing, but something that my brain is sort of trying to wrap itself around.

And on a more individual note: I'm possibly saddest about losing my calling. I LOVED being Gospel Doctrine teacher; it was something I was actually really good at, and I was able to do things that I think I was uniquely positioned to be able to do both as a result of my own individual personality and conflicts and weaknesses and interpersonal relationships (...I'm going to have to make that post to explain what I'm talking about, aren't I. This one is already too long.) And I was so looking forward to doing the New Testament next year and now I won't be able to. (Unless they call me again in Ward G, but I'm really trying not to want that too much.) And, more selfishly, callings are absolutely not supposed to have levels of prestige attached to them. But they do, they do anyway. And Gospel Doctrine teacher happens to be one of the high-prestige callings. In fact it's... the most prestigious non-gendered calling you can have as a woman in the ward. (Indeed it is majority men in this calling, I'd say probably 2/3 to 3/4 of the time.) And I won't lie, it's pretty great. Both for myself (I'm... not used to people looking up to me at church for anything except music) and as an example, that one can be a woman and be seriously geeky about the scriptures. (For an LDS person, anyway!) Although -- I suppose this depends on what they call me to next, but I am kind of looking forward to having a little more time, because that calling was a total time sink for me. I could... probably?... have prepared about half as much as I actually did and been okay (and there were a couple of weeks where that's what happened), but I really wanted to do it well.

So there's all that going on too.

So yeah, I am having a lot of Feelings right now <3

Comments

[rosefox]

That sounds incredibly challenging. And only a week's notice! How immensely disruptive of everyone's schedules and everything.

I hope you get the calling you want, or another one that suits you well and makes you feel like you can use your power for good. All best wishes for the smoothest possible transition.

[cahn]

Yeah, I feel really sorry for the organizational people. I think the bishop must have had a little more notice (he certainly knew at the beginning of the meeting); at least, I hope he did!

Thank you!

[thistleingrey]

aw, I am sorry--it sounds hard! :(

What happens to bishops when wards are merged?

[cahn]

In this case, it's less of a merge than an absorption, so Ward G will keep its bishop and my ward's bishop will be released (will no longer have a calling and will be given some kind of different calling in the new ward). They did say they would try to reorganize the bishoprics, etc. to put more of our ward's people in leadership roles. I assume our bishop will be one of those (it would be crazy not to do that).

When wards are truly merged, they usually just call a new bishop (this has happened before in this stake as well, but well before I moved here).

[tree_and_leaf]

That sounds very sad indeed - though as someone in a church where pastoral reorganisation happens at glacial speed, I am inclined to say that 'time to get used to it' doesn't help much - it just means people getting stuck and demoralised ad a clean break is almost certainly preferable. Although a week is pretty brutal!

[cahn]

I agree! A clean break is good, but gosh, a week. It's okay for me, but I feel pretty bad for the leadership/organizational people who were planning things month(s) ahead of time.

[seekingferret]

Wow, good luck. That's a scary amount of change to happen so fast.

And thanks for the context, all this is very alien for someone in a religion where this is a popular joke:

Two Jews are stranded on a desert island and manage to survive on coconuts and ingenuity for years. When they are finally found and rescued, they give a tour of the island to their rescuers.

"This is our house, and this is our well, and this our coconut storage shed, and this is the first synagogue, and this is the second synagogue, and this is the third synagogue..."

"Why did you build three synagogues?"

"Oh, well, this is the one I won't set foot in, and this is the one he won't set foot in, and this is the one neither of us will set foot in..."

[rosefox]

Yeah, my congregation is about twice the size of cahn's Ward M, and we are definitely the congregation that a lot of other Jews in Brooklyn wouldn't set foot in and vice versa (politically way left of everyone but the Reconstructionists, and we talk about God too much for their tastes). The thought of showing up to services and being told "this organization won't exist as of next week, but surely there are lots of other nice places you can go, isn't one Shabbat service much like another after all" is devastating.

[cahn]

Heh! I was thinking while writing this that culturally speaking Mormonism is sort of like the anti-Judaism. (See also scripture study.) Hee, I liked the joke :D

[rosefox]

I'm curious about what part of scripture study contributes to it being the anti-Judaism!

Also, the reverse might explain why my extremely vehemently ex-Mormon partner finds Judaism appealing. :)

[seekingferret]

cahn and I have been discussing this for years, it's a complicated answer. But I think the simple version is that just as LDS is hierarchical organizationally, they are also hierarchical in terms of scriptural interpretation. There is a single received interpretation of scripture. When we first started talking about this, cahn had a lot of trouble with the idea that two Midrashim could contradict each other and the Rabbis would have no problem transmitting both with full awareness of the contradiction.

There's more to it than that, I'm sure cahn would explain it differently.

[cahn]

There is a single received interpretation of scripture.

the Rabbis would have no problem transmitting both with full awareness of the contradiction

This this this! That they could contradict bothered me, but not as much -- I mean, scripture is full of that -- but not that people in authority! could be... okay... with the contradiction! And even enjoy it! Does Not Compute.

And in addition there's this idea of we start with the thing we want to show and then come up with scriptures to support it. Like, I kid you not, a) I have a manual I'm supposed to follow every week (I almost never do), and b) there's an Explicitly-Stated Purpose for each lesson. Like, last week's for Hosea was "To help class members understand that the Lord is loving and merciful and will forgive us when we repent and return to him." Which is a great purpose, don't get me wrong (some of them are worse than others), but... I get the very distinct sense that it's exactly the opposite of how Judaism approaches it.

And as a corollary of this single received interpretation of scripture thing, there's -- I wouldn't call it a resistance, so much as it doesn't even occur to anyone that there might be anything to gain from things like, oh, external (non-LDS) exegesis of scripture, or studying what the original language might have meant (this one is actually the one I've seen most, because language study is something LDS are interested in, but it's still rather rare), or -- and this is what totally baffles me -- even checking out a different translation. We use the KJV. THE KJV. And three times in the last year I suggested "maybe you could check out a different translation," and two of the times I got a lot of pushback from class members. (The third time was last week when we were doing Hosea, and I think everyone kind of finally saw my point :) Either that or they were too shell-shocked by the ward dissolution news to push back.)

I'm not saying that there aren't thoughtful exegetes who think about all these things in the LDS church -- there are! -- but they're definitely not rank-and-file or even in leadership, whereas I get the distinct sense this is how just regular people in Judaism think.

[rosefox]

Ahh, yes, that is rather different from "three Jews, five opinions". :D

X recently pointed me to a Tumblr thread where someone said "look, [whatever point of Jewish law they were arguing] just is this way, halacha [Jewish law] is halacha" and basically all of Jewish Tumblr came down on their head. "Halacha is halacha" is a nonsense phrase even among the most rule-following hair-splitting Jews. It's part of why puns are so deeply embedded in Jewish culture: we're always looking for a different thing a word might mean, and sometimes the different meaning turns out to be hilarious.

(What does Moses order at Starbucks? A mi cha-mocha.)

And in addition there's this idea of we start with the thing we want to show and then come up with scriptures to support it.

Well, any religion that has scriptures will do this to an extent, but Jews do it more on an individual level. I think our closest institutionalized version of this is the haftarah, the reading paired with the assigned Torah portion for the week or the holiday. For example, on Yom Kippur, the Torah portion is the section of Deuteronomy that records the fast day being ordained, and the haftarah is the section of Isaiah that says "your fasting is meaningless if you still strike out in violence and oppress your workers and neglect the poor". The implications of that pairing aren't subtle. And every Jew in every denomination will hear them on Yom Kippur because the order of Torah and haftarah readings was constructed long before we divided into Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/other.

That said, there was once an actual stand-up debate at my shul about whether to get rid of the story of the binding of Isaac—just toss it out, stop reading it on Rosh Hashanah. The rabbi argued in favor of dropping it, a parishioner argued against, and eventually the rabbi conceded to the parishioner. That parishioner now writes our annual drash (interpretation/teaching) of the binding of Isaac to be read at Rosh Hashanah services. Here's last year's.

(Many parts of this story would shock a lot of Jews too. :D My congregation is... unusual.)

or -- and this is what totally baffles me -- even checking out a different translation

Meanwhile our rabbinic fellow was talking about Hebrew roots from the pulpit! There's a lot of sit-down-stand-up in the Yom Kippur service, and at one point she noted that the word for blessing comes from the root meaning knees and our blessing-knees were getting a real workout.

I'm really glad you're finding a way to be yourself and do things the way that feels right to you in the context you're in. I can see why that bishop's leadership meant so much to you. I hope you can continue doing that in your new-old ward.

[zdenka]

Yeah, there's a long tradition in Judaism of getting at the truth by arguing about stuff. :) And we have a tendency to highlight the Biblical stories about the people who argued with God or flat-out disobeyed (the story of Jonah is traditionally read during the High Holy Days, so I've been thinking about that, and it starts with Jonah receiving instructions from God and promptly doing the exact opposite).

Whaaat. I don't tell other people how to religion, but as an amateur translator, I'm mildly outraged. :P But I guess it's logical that if you think you have the one right interpretation already, then there's no point in looking at other ones.

[cahn]

I really like the stories of the people who argued with God (or even respectfully disagreed with prophets/leaders, like the daughters of Zelophehad) and have been bringing those out some this year :D

Hee, yeah, the translation bit obviously bothers me too :) The KJV! Which is quite, quite beautiful, but not only is there a Hebrew/Greek->English translation issue, there's also a 17thC English->modern!English translation issue too! gah!

[cahn]

oops, I replied to seekingferret, see my answer to him -- but yessssss I can totally see a vehemently ex-Mormon finding Judaism very appealing. There's a really entrenched culture, backed up by the structure and even doctrine of Mormonism, of conformity and control and check-boxing, and there can be a lot of fear over not conforming to the correct check-boxes. This is exactly the part of the culture that my awesome bishop was combatting, and doing it really well -- but it was present even in my awesome ward. And you can see that all of that is about 180 degrees from Judaism. It is appealing to me a lot of days too :)

(There are a lot of good things about Mormonism too, of course -- otherwise I wouldn't still be in the religion, given my, er, extremely heterodox approach towards faith and (especially) the truth claims of the Church. I think that when done right, the culture can become one of love and inclusiveness and service, and it can become a powerhouse partially because we're all socialized to act as one and under a strict organization. But... that "done right" is a big caveat.)

[isis]

Aw, change is hard, big sympathies. It's especially hard when you've changed away from G, grown to love M, and now you're back in G - I can understand the conflicting impulses of "yay, back 'home'!" and "no, this is my 'home' now!"

I hope you get the calling you love (or another one you will love as much)!

[cahn]

Yes, exactly <3 It's been long enough, too, that all the people I was closest to have left G, although a lot of people I like are still there. Thank you!

[philomytha]

That all sounds hard to process, especially when it's all happening so abruptly, like being dug up out of one place and plonked down in another, and you will grow and flourish in that new place but it takes a while to extend your roots again (sorry, I have been gardening a lot this week so my metaphors are coming out horticulturally). I hope it's all as smooth as it can be, and you end up with the right calling for you in the new/old ward.

[cahn]

You know, that's funny, because my last lesson was on Hosea, who happens to have a lot of planting and fertility metaphors, so I was primed to respond to gardening metaphors <3 Thank you!

[ase]

Oh wow, your community is being rearranged! Split and reformed, even. I'm sorry your calling may be - probably will be? - going away. I know you've been really excited about the Gospel Doctrine teaching.

It sounds like you're looking for and finding the up sides during a time of change. I hope you get a new calling that really suits you, and that the transition as Ward G and former Ward M people settle into the new rhythms is as smooth as possible.

[cahn]

Yes, it was an exciting calling for me <3 I don't know, there's always the chance they could call me to it in the new ward but it might be sort of crazy. (I always thought it was crazy that this bishop took a chance with me.) Thank you! I don't know how hard the transition will be. The cultures of the wards are different and have gotten more different while I've been in Ward M, I think.

[iberiandoctor]

This does sound like big changes to your community in a very short period of time; small wonder you're having lots of Feelings about this!

I definitely feel you about your calling -- of course a doctrine-teaching calling would be a highly prestigious one, as it is across all religious denominations, and, from what I know about you, it's a calling which would make good use of your intelligence and passion for scripture and love of learning, and passion about imparting those things to people -- and I am definitely here to read to your longer post about it all.

In the meantime, I am sending you all my good wishes for the very best transition for you, the spouse and kids, and the wider community, and that you are sent the calling that is the calling that you both want and need in this season of your life ♥

[cahn]

<3 I feel a bit like it is a good thing I'm having Feelings about it; it means that there was something worth losing, you know? Ha, I do like geeking out about the scriptures, and bringing that to an audience that isn't, hm, culturally the best about going and looking at translation issues and cultural considerations and such. Thank you! <3

[zdenka]

I'm sorry, that sounds emotionally difficult. I don't know a lot about the structure of the LDS church, but I've been reading your DW entries where you talked about your classes, and you seemed really happy and content to be doing this kind of work. And to lose a place and people and community that you cared about, especially on such short notice, sounds really hard.

[cahn]

Thank you <3 I feel like I shouldn't complain, really, because I'm not losing that many people. (Although I just realized last week that RL Opera Friend is going be going to be going to Ward S! Woe! Although then I realized that actually this works out really well, because I will be forced to keep in touch with her so that she can feed me more operas :) ) But the community will be really hard; we had such a great one. A couple of people were saying yesterday that it was our job to take the things that were best about our ward to the wards we were going to, and hopefully we can do that.

[umadoshi]

Even if everything shakes out beautifully, that kind of upheaval is inherently stressful. I hope the change goes smoothly and that your new calling, whatever it turns out to be, is joyful and satisfying for you. *hugs*

[cahn]

Thank you! <3 I really appreciate the good thoughts. I hope it turns out well -- there is something of a culture difference between the two wards, so it's not clear to me whether it will be a seamless or a... seamful?... transition. We'll see!