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Sep. 19th, 2018 09:51 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cahnWell. Sunday was interesting. Not in a bad way, indeed in what will ultimately, I think, be a good and happy way, but in an unexpectedly bittersweet and emotional way.
First, some nomenclature. You've probably heard this from me before, but in the LDS Church, a congregation (100-300 people) is called a ward, and the leader is called a bishop (together with two counselors is called a bishopric). A group of five to ten wards is organized into a stake. The leader of the stake is a stake president (together with two counselors a stake presidency). (All "callings" -- church jobs -- up to the stake level are lay positions and people take them on in addition to their regular jobs, without pay. Bishops usually hold their calling for between 4-7 years; Stake Presidents for more like 9-12.) Stakes are organized into... areas, I think, but at that point I kind of stop caring. But this is all very rigidly and hierarchically organized. Each ward has a "ward boundary" which is a line drawn on a map delineating an area; in that area any LDS members who live there attend that particular ward. D and I moved outside of my then-ward (let's call it Ward G) boundaries when we bought our house (and not coincidentally had E), and I had to move wards, to the ward I am now in (let's call it Ward M). I was really sad to leave (it's also kind of hard to explain to a non-LDS person -- D was like, "Why can't you keep going to your old ward?" but you really can't, I mean, you could show up at another ward but you only "officially" exist in your particular ward and your church life and your callings are made there). I was really worried about going to Ward M, but it's all been amazing. Ward M is the one I've been talking about in this DW, with the crazy music program and the awesome people and the new amazing bishop and my utterly amazing calling as gospel doctrine (Sunday School / scripture) teacher.
The new amazing bishop is no longer new; this is his third year, so this would ordinarily be about halfway through his tenure. He's still pretty amazing, though. I would be at two full years of being Gospel Doctrine teacher in couple of months. (This calling is usually for about 4 years, though it can range from a couple of months to tens of years, depending on how the ward works.) The music program has dwindled to basically nothing, unless you count every so often I get together with the good pianist and play violin at church, because we have no one to run it or participate in it. So many people have moved (this is most of the problem -- we live in a high COL area), left the Church, or died. (Three people in the last year, which seems like a lot.) There are three wards in my city right now (my ward M, my old ward G, and a third ward S), and they're all getting fairly small and it's hard to find enough people to do all the jobs that need to be done in a ward.
Yesterday I went into church and saw the stake presidency sitting up on the stand and wondered why. (They usually don't all come except at pre-specified times, and this wasn't one of those times.) The stake president said something of the sort -- "You're probably wondering why we're all here --" and then he proceeded to tell us that he knew, none better, that the wards were getting smaller.
And then he told us, very very gently and compassionately, that he and his counselors had prayed a lot about what to do in a way that would be least disruptive for the least number of people, and finally they had applied for permission, and had it granted (remember that we are a highly hierarchical church? Had to apply up to the top level), to dissolve our ward, Ward M, and move the ward boundaries so that we are absorbed into Ward G and Ward S.
Next Sunday will be the last Sunday of my ward's existence.
(It's a very short timeframe and part of me wishes we'd had more time to get used to the idea. But at the same time I understand why it makes sense to make a clean swift break.)
This happens a lot, of course, and even in this city I know they've reorganized the wards and the boundaries several times before. And I'm going to Ward G, where I was before; it is a lovely ward. And I'm moving to the ward that's getting the majority of my current ward. I'm not even losing that many of the people I care about. (...but what about her, and him, and them, and those -- oh, anyway. Of course the ones who are going to the other ward, we're not really losing them at all, they'll still be there, but the fact is that unless you make a huge effort you don't see them as much, you don't make your life with them.) In some sense it's not, it shouldn't be, a big deal at all. But --
But our ward is an organic thing, all the interrelationships and the ways we interact with each other in our callings to serve one another and outside our callings and the ward traditions that have built up and even the tensions over the ward traditions (hee) and -- and it is a real thing that exists, and won't in another week.
(In fandom language, because exchanges are the other thing I've been preoccupied with in this last week: Imagine that it was announced a week before reveals that this was the last year of Yuletide. And then it was going away. And, you know, there are lots of other exchanges and the same people would still be around and still doing them and you'd still get to interact with them in the other exchanges but -- Well. That's a little how I feel.)
And. Our bishop has believed so strongly in building our ward up as a community, as a family, as a place where we could explicitly ask questions and disagree and doubt and have quasi-heretical thought processes like me and just be ourselves without judgment, a place where we love and serve each other and build each other up. And he has infected us all with his dream. I have been seeing this happen in Relief Society (the women's class) and I hear that it has been happening in Priesthood (the men's class). I've been doing all I can to make it happen in Gospel Doctrine (part of what has been so very amazing about this last year -- sometime maybe I'll make a post on it). We've all been working toward this, not just organically by having lots of great people around (all three wards in this area are awesome like that, honestly -- lots of really wonderful people), but consciously and coherently. With God we have built something special that we love very very much and that I think was and is something to be proud of, our ward family.
And now it's time to dismantle it and move on. And that's right too. And if we can take some of that, what we've learned, with us, then all the better that we can use it to help others too. But it's still so bittersweet, that the thing itself will be gone.
And something that I think I, at least, am feeling vaguely confused about, is how we are going to relate to everyone else. Everyone's being released from our callings next Sunday night. And we'll get new ones, of course! But to a certain extent people's callings define some aspect of how we relate -- that person is E's Primary (kids) teacher, this person is the Bishop, other person is etc. -- and now it's just this big amorphous question mark. It's a minor thing, but something that my brain is sort of trying to wrap itself around.
And on a more individual note: I'm possibly saddest about losing my calling. I LOVED being Gospel Doctrine teacher; it was something I was actually really good at, and I was able to do things that I think I was uniquely positioned to be able to do both as a result of my own individual personality and conflicts and weaknesses and interpersonal relationships (...I'm going to have to make that post to explain what I'm talking about, aren't I. This one is already too long.) And I was so looking forward to doing the New Testament next year and now I won't be able to. (Unless they call me again in Ward G, but I'm really trying not to want that too much.) And, more selfishly, callings are absolutely not supposed to have levels of prestige attached to them. But they do, they do anyway. And Gospel Doctrine teacher happens to be one of the high-prestige callings. In fact it's... the most prestigious non-gendered calling you can have as a woman in the ward. (Indeed it is majority men in this calling, I'd say probably 2/3 to 3/4 of the time.) And I won't lie, it's pretty great. Both for myself (I'm... not used to people looking up to me at church for anything except music) and as an example, that one can be a woman and be seriously geeky about the scriptures. (For an LDS person, anyway!) Although -- I suppose this depends on what they call me to next, but I am kind of looking forward to having a little more time, because that calling was a total time sink for me. I could... probably?... have prepared about half as much as I actually did and been okay (and there were a couple of weeks where that's what happened), but I really wanted to do it well.
So there's all that going on too.
So yeah, I am having a lot of Feelings right now <3
First, some nomenclature. You've probably heard this from me before, but in the LDS Church, a congregation (100-300 people) is called a ward, and the leader is called a bishop (together with two counselors is called a bishopric). A group of five to ten wards is organized into a stake. The leader of the stake is a stake president (together with two counselors a stake presidency). (All "callings" -- church jobs -- up to the stake level are lay positions and people take them on in addition to their regular jobs, without pay. Bishops usually hold their calling for between 4-7 years; Stake Presidents for more like 9-12.) Stakes are organized into... areas, I think, but at that point I kind of stop caring. But this is all very rigidly and hierarchically organized. Each ward has a "ward boundary" which is a line drawn on a map delineating an area; in that area any LDS members who live there attend that particular ward. D and I moved outside of my then-ward (let's call it Ward G) boundaries when we bought our house (and not coincidentally had E), and I had to move wards, to the ward I am now in (let's call it Ward M). I was really sad to leave (it's also kind of hard to explain to a non-LDS person -- D was like, "Why can't you keep going to your old ward?" but you really can't, I mean, you could show up at another ward but you only "officially" exist in your particular ward and your church life and your callings are made there). I was really worried about going to Ward M, but it's all been amazing. Ward M is the one I've been talking about in this DW, with the crazy music program and the awesome people and the new amazing bishop and my utterly amazing calling as gospel doctrine (Sunday School / scripture) teacher.
The new amazing bishop is no longer new; this is his third year, so this would ordinarily be about halfway through his tenure. He's still pretty amazing, though. I would be at two full years of being Gospel Doctrine teacher in couple of months. (This calling is usually for about 4 years, though it can range from a couple of months to tens of years, depending on how the ward works.) The music program has dwindled to basically nothing, unless you count every so often I get together with the good pianist and play violin at church, because we have no one to run it or participate in it. So many people have moved (this is most of the problem -- we live in a high COL area), left the Church, or died. (Three people in the last year, which seems like a lot.) There are three wards in my city right now (my ward M, my old ward G, and a third ward S), and they're all getting fairly small and it's hard to find enough people to do all the jobs that need to be done in a ward.
Yesterday I went into church and saw the stake presidency sitting up on the stand and wondered why. (They usually don't all come except at pre-specified times, and this wasn't one of those times.) The stake president said something of the sort -- "You're probably wondering why we're all here --" and then he proceeded to tell us that he knew, none better, that the wards were getting smaller.
And then he told us, very very gently and compassionately, that he and his counselors had prayed a lot about what to do in a way that would be least disruptive for the least number of people, and finally they had applied for permission, and had it granted (remember that we are a highly hierarchical church? Had to apply up to the top level), to dissolve our ward, Ward M, and move the ward boundaries so that we are absorbed into Ward G and Ward S.
Next Sunday will be the last Sunday of my ward's existence.
(It's a very short timeframe and part of me wishes we'd had more time to get used to the idea. But at the same time I understand why it makes sense to make a clean swift break.)
This happens a lot, of course, and even in this city I know they've reorganized the wards and the boundaries several times before. And I'm going to Ward G, where I was before; it is a lovely ward. And I'm moving to the ward that's getting the majority of my current ward. I'm not even losing that many of the people I care about. (...but what about her, and him, and them, and those -- oh, anyway. Of course the ones who are going to the other ward, we're not really losing them at all, they'll still be there, but the fact is that unless you make a huge effort you don't see them as much, you don't make your life with them.) In some sense it's not, it shouldn't be, a big deal at all. But --
But our ward is an organic thing, all the interrelationships and the ways we interact with each other in our callings to serve one another and outside our callings and the ward traditions that have built up and even the tensions over the ward traditions (hee) and -- and it is a real thing that exists, and won't in another week.
(In fandom language, because exchanges are the other thing I've been preoccupied with in this last week: Imagine that it was announced a week before reveals that this was the last year of Yuletide. And then it was going away. And, you know, there are lots of other exchanges and the same people would still be around and still doing them and you'd still get to interact with them in the other exchanges but -- Well. That's a little how I feel.)
And. Our bishop has believed so strongly in building our ward up as a community, as a family, as a place where we could explicitly ask questions and disagree and doubt and have quasi-heretical thought processes like me and just be ourselves without judgment, a place where we love and serve each other and build each other up. And he has infected us all with his dream. I have been seeing this happen in Relief Society (the women's class) and I hear that it has been happening in Priesthood (the men's class). I've been doing all I can to make it happen in Gospel Doctrine (part of what has been so very amazing about this last year -- sometime maybe I'll make a post on it). We've all been working toward this, not just organically by having lots of great people around (all three wards in this area are awesome like that, honestly -- lots of really wonderful people), but consciously and coherently. With God we have built something special that we love very very much and that I think was and is something to be proud of, our ward family.
And now it's time to dismantle it and move on. And that's right too. And if we can take some of that, what we've learned, with us, then all the better that we can use it to help others too. But it's still so bittersweet, that the thing itself will be gone.
And something that I think I, at least, am feeling vaguely confused about, is how we are going to relate to everyone else. Everyone's being released from our callings next Sunday night. And we'll get new ones, of course! But to a certain extent people's callings define some aspect of how we relate -- that person is E's Primary (kids) teacher, this person is the Bishop, other person is etc. -- and now it's just this big amorphous question mark. It's a minor thing, but something that my brain is sort of trying to wrap itself around.
And on a more individual note: I'm possibly saddest about losing my calling. I LOVED being Gospel Doctrine teacher; it was something I was actually really good at, and I was able to do things that I think I was uniquely positioned to be able to do both as a result of my own individual personality and conflicts and weaknesses and interpersonal relationships (...I'm going to have to make that post to explain what I'm talking about, aren't I. This one is already too long.) And I was so looking forward to doing the New Testament next year and now I won't be able to. (Unless they call me again in Ward G, but I'm really trying not to want that too much.) And, more selfishly, callings are absolutely not supposed to have levels of prestige attached to them. But they do, they do anyway. And Gospel Doctrine teacher happens to be one of the high-prestige callings. In fact it's... the most prestigious non-gendered calling you can have as a woman in the ward. (Indeed it is majority men in this calling, I'd say probably 2/3 to 3/4 of the time.) And I won't lie, it's pretty great. Both for myself (I'm... not used to people looking up to me at church for anything except music) and as an example, that one can be a woman and be seriously geeky about the scriptures. (For an LDS person, anyway!) Although -- I suppose this depends on what they call me to next, but I am kind of looking forward to having a little more time, because that calling was a total time sink for me. I could... probably?... have prepared about half as much as I actually did and been okay (and there were a couple of weeks where that's what happened), but I really wanted to do it well.
So there's all that going on too.
So yeah, I am having a lot of Feelings right now <3
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Date: 2018-09-21 05:11 am (UTC)