I believe he had strong feelings for the guy, but when he talks about going to England it's only half about Hotham and the other half is about freedom and wanting to leave! My feeling reading this is that he must have subconsciously known that this wasn't a good situation for him, and was grasping at anything that would let him get out of it.
Oh absolutely. At this point he'd been EC's chamberlain for a decade and he knew that he was stuck with this dead-end job that didn't make him happy, he'd been in love with Heinrich for at least four, possibly five years (i.e. when the diary references to Heinrich change from being respectful and friendly to "dearest", "most wonderful" etc.) and knew this would not get him more than friends with benefits either, as opposed to the exclusive romantic relationship he clearly wanted, and here was someone who not only seemed to be ready to devote himself to him in this exclusive way but also symbolized a new, exciting start elsewhere. Now I don't think Lehndorff would have emigrated on his lonesome - he clearly was someone who thrived on company, and when he finally calls it quits with the Prussian court decades later, he'll have both a family and a new bff (the Polish poet-bishop) to be with in the countryside. Nor was he cold blooded enough to try and attach himself to someone solely because he wanted to leave. But Hotham offered the combination of both his emotional needs, and that must have been catnip to poor L.
heeeeee!
Lehndorff's "I'm totally over him now/ hearts hearts hearts hearts" will never fail to evoke a fond smile from me, either.
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Re: My Englishmanm, or: Heinrich Who?
Date: 2020-01-07 08:42 am (UTC)Oh absolutely. At this point he'd been EC's chamberlain for a decade and he knew that he was stuck with this dead-end job that didn't make him happy, he'd been in love with Heinrich for at least four, possibly five years (i.e. when the diary references to Heinrich change from being respectful and friendly to "dearest", "most wonderful" etc.) and knew this would not get him more than friends with benefits either, as opposed to the exclusive romantic relationship he clearly wanted, and here was someone who not only seemed to be ready to devote himself to him in this exclusive way but also symbolized a new, exciting start elsewhere. Now I don't think Lehndorff would have emigrated on his lonesome - he clearly was someone who thrived on company, and when he finally calls it quits with the Prussian court decades later, he'll have both a family and a new bff (the Polish poet-bishop) to be with in the countryside. Nor was he cold blooded enough to try and attach himself to someone solely because he wanted to leave. But Hotham offered the combination of both his emotional needs, and that must have been catnip to poor L.
heeeeee!
Lehndorff's "I'm totally over him now/ hearts hearts hearts hearts" will never fail to evoke a fond smile from me, either.