Positive Discipline/Positive Parenting is the natural segue from attachment parenting
I must confess I didn't do attachment parenting (or even really look into it once it became clear E wasn't into it, so apologies if I misconstrue it) at all -- I might have done more than I actually did do, if it weren't that E was a kid who didn't take to it at all. She didn't particularly want to be held, she really wanted to eat solid food (so she weaned relatively early, less than 1.5 years), she loved her stroller way more than she liked being carried, etc. I told you she defied all the books! :) (We did phase the stroller out as soon as she could walk, because I placed a high premium on her being an independent walker.)
It's one thing to say, "I'll never spank/shame/use fear/manipulate because that's clearly a stupid approach since adults who treat eachother that way are considered abusive...plus it won't result in an ongoing relationship that works for adolescence, nor will it prepare my child to be an emotionally healthy adult which is the whole freakin' goal, isn't it?????" and quite another thing to actually maintain your sanity while setting healthy boundaries and limits that are developmentally appropriate for your kiddo!
OMG YES. The relative I mentioned before had a punitive parent, hated it, and swore she wouldn't do it with her kids -- but her permissive techniques led to kids who just... there's no way I could have put up with what she put up with. I have no idea how she stayed sane. They're turning into kind of awesome pre-teens, actually, but I would have gone insane while getting there.
As I said, E is usually a really good kid, but man, have there ever been moments where I understood why my mom did a punitive-parenting method -- and she was a full-time mom with very little support from my dad, who worked very long hours at the time, with two kids at least one of whom was not nearly as easy a child as E -- it's waaaaay easier to use fear or shame in the moment itself, you know?
"Emotional Manipulation by Another Name."
...I'm so glad you said this, because I sometimes felt that way when reading these kinds of books -- "man, this would bother me if my mom said this to me --" and I'm glad to know that it wasn't just me being over-sensitive :) (The idea of telling your kid that something will make you sad if s/he doesn't do it... WHAT. Though I must admit to using this technique when E decided I should not eat in front of her. Yes, she is a control freak. I now tell her, when she is all "Mommy no eat!" that when Mommy doesn't eat she gets "sad and cranky" -- although I assert this is a natural consequence of Mommy not eating rather than emotional manipulation ;) )
(I, uh, am a big fan of natural consequences, since after all the kid's going to be facing natural consequences for the rest of her life. My philosophy is something like -- except for things that are clearly unsafe, like running out in the street, and there are relatively few things like that -- there's nothing that's wrong or forbidden, but there are things that will invite natural consequences that you may not like very much, like being forced to clean up all the toys you just dumped on the floor now that you want to play with something else. And that part of my job as a parent is to facilitate her introduction to natural consequences while allowing her to take progressively more responsibility.
Interestingly, my mom thinks I'm being way too lenient AND way too strict, depending on what aspect she's critiquing, which is kind of hilarious to me. When she's not pushing my buttons, anyway.)
One thing that's really lacking is resources that help parents whose child is in the transitional age range from 2.5yo to about 7yo.
YES THIS. I've read all these books about reasoning with and negotiating with one's kid... but YOU CAN'T REASON WITH A TWO-YEAR OLD like you would with an adult. And though you can negotiate with a two-year-old, and I do, it's NOT like negotiating with an adult, or even like negotiating with a child who's old enough to reason with, like you say on your site.
People contact me when their child hits about 3.5 and they realize that they don't *like* their kid right now....and really need to do something about that.
So I haven't gotten there yet with E, who is right now actually kind of lovely when she's not throwing a tantrum or coming out of her room for the twentieth time at night. She's at the age where she really wants to help out, and the consequences we implemented when she was about 2 have started to pay off (e.g., she's willing to clean up her toys now, which she wasn't at 2).
BUT. I don't know if you looked at any of my previous posts at all, but I'm also teaching four-year-old boys at church, and learning about your PD work could not have come at a more opportune time. One of the kids is having a lot of problems with temper. Of course, seeing him for two hours a week, and not having any real authority, there's only so much I can do, but. Articles gave me a lot of food for thought there -- thanks so much for the link!
Have you seen msagara's posts about her son? She seems to have come to many of the same conclusions you talk about, independently and through being a SF writer (although she mostly talks about age 5 and up).
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Date: 2012-08-07 04:42 am (UTC)I must confess I didn't do attachment parenting (or even really look into it once it became clear E wasn't into it, so apologies if I misconstrue it) at all -- I might have done more than I actually did do, if it weren't that E was a kid who didn't take to it at all. She didn't particularly want to be held, she really wanted to eat solid food (so she weaned relatively early, less than 1.5 years), she loved her stroller way more than she liked being carried, etc. I told you she defied all the books! :) (We did phase the stroller out as soon as she could walk, because I placed a high premium on her being an independent walker.)
It's one thing to say, "I'll never spank/shame/use fear/manipulate because that's clearly a stupid approach since adults who treat eachother that way are considered abusive...plus it won't result in an ongoing relationship that works for adolescence, nor will it prepare my child to be an emotionally healthy adult which is the whole freakin' goal, isn't it?????" and quite another thing to actually maintain your sanity while setting healthy boundaries and limits that are developmentally appropriate for your kiddo!
OMG YES. The relative I mentioned before had a punitive parent, hated it, and swore she wouldn't do it with her kids -- but her permissive techniques led to kids who just... there's no way I could have put up with what she put up with. I have no idea how she stayed sane. They're turning into kind of awesome pre-teens, actually, but I would have gone insane while getting there.
As I said, E is usually a really good kid, but man, have there ever been moments where I understood why my mom did a punitive-parenting method -- and she was a full-time mom with very little support from my dad, who worked very long hours at the time, with two kids at least one of whom was not nearly as easy a child as E -- it's waaaaay easier to use fear or shame in the moment itself, you know?
"Emotional Manipulation by Another Name."
...I'm so glad you said this, because I sometimes felt that way when reading these kinds of books -- "man, this would bother me if my mom said this to me --" and I'm glad to know that it wasn't just me being over-sensitive :) (The idea of telling your kid that something will make you sad if s/he doesn't do it... WHAT. Though I must admit to using this technique when E decided I should not eat in front of her. Yes, she is a control freak. I now tell her, when she is all "Mommy no eat!" that when Mommy doesn't eat she gets "sad and cranky" -- although I assert this is a natural consequence of Mommy not eating rather than emotional manipulation ;) )
(I, uh, am a big fan of natural consequences, since after all the kid's going to be facing natural consequences for the rest of her life. My philosophy is something like -- except for things that are clearly unsafe, like running out in the street, and there are relatively few things like that -- there's nothing that's wrong or forbidden, but there are things that will invite natural consequences that you may not like very much, like being forced to clean up all the toys you just dumped on the floor now that you want to play with something else. And that part of my job as a parent is to facilitate her introduction to natural consequences while allowing her to take progressively more responsibility.
Interestingly, my mom thinks I'm being way too lenient AND way too strict, depending on what aspect she's critiquing, which is kind of hilarious to me. When she's not pushing my buttons, anyway.)
One thing that's really lacking is resources that help parents whose child is in the transitional age range from 2.5yo to about 7yo.
YES THIS. I've read all these books about reasoning with and negotiating with one's kid... but YOU CAN'T REASON WITH A TWO-YEAR OLD like you would with an adult. And though you can negotiate with a two-year-old, and I do, it's NOT like negotiating with an adult, or even like negotiating with a child who's old enough to reason with, like you say on your site.
People contact me when their child hits about 3.5 and they realize that they don't *like* their kid right now....and really need to do something about that.
So I haven't gotten there yet with E, who is right now actually kind of lovely when she's not throwing a tantrum or coming out of her room for the twentieth time at night. She's at the age where she really wants to help out, and the consequences we implemented when she was about 2 have started to pay off (e.g., she's willing to clean up her toys now, which she wasn't at 2).
BUT. I don't know if you looked at any of my previous posts at all, but I'm also teaching four-year-old boys at church, and learning about your PD work could not have come at a more opportune time. One of the kids is having a lot of problems with temper. Of course, seeing him for two hours a week, and not having any real authority, there's only so much I can do, but. Articles gave me a lot of food for thought there -- thanks so much for the link!
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