Oh, okay, this is hilarious because I certainly never put "show the teacher I'm smart and am a good student" in the bucket of bragging! Bragging is what you do to other people your own age, like Nellie. :) I didn't focus on showing my smarts like you did, partially because of not having the imperatives you did, but also because by mid-elementary school I think it was kind of accepted that everyone knew I was smart, so I didn't really have to do anything special to convince the teachers except regularly answer questions (especially questions other students couldn't answer) and get extremely good grades. (I also pestered any teacher who would give me extra books to read, but that was definitely not bragging, that was getting extra books! And, as I think I mentioned, wrote little French notes to my French teacher, but I think that was just me being a lonely kid who saw her as a friend. Who would give me books!)
I guess the one exception was band -- I took band in 6th grade, played flute (this is how I know anything about the flute, lol), and was SO VERY BAD at it. Just abysmal. And every day I wanted to tell the band director, who was clearly very frustrated by me, that I was actually a really good musician who won awards, just not with this instrument! But I didn't, because I could see that it wasn't really relevant to the fact that I did, in fact, suck at flute.
Also, although I didn't know how to make friends as a middle schooler, I also wasn't ostracized. People just mostly left me alone (there were a couple of unfortunate incidents, but I don't think I had any more than anyone else had). Interestingly, there was a particular girl (also Asian), a couple of years older than I was; after I got accelerated in science I was in a couple of science classes with her, maybe one or two math classes as well. The way people behaved around her was different than the way they behaved around me -- people really didn't like her, and I remember people assuring me that oh, you aren't like that. I think that in her case she was much more fussy about grades and wanting to know what grades other people had made and comparing them to hers. I wanted very much for the teacher to know I was making the best grade in the class, but I didn't talk to other students about my grades unless they asked me! (And I was happy to help anyone who asked for help -- not sure where that tendency came from; I suspect I've just always liked that.)
...In a rather tangential story, this discussion is also reminding me of my chemistry teacher, Mrs. W, whom I took both intro chem and AP chem from (with the girl mentioned above, in fact) and who was a fantastic chemistry teacher. My mom was convinced Mrs. W didn't like me. At the end-of-year awards ceremony, each science class would give a plaque to the kid who had the best grade in the class. When I took intro chem from Mrs. W, she didn't give an AP chem award (because her daughter would have won it, which she said would look like nepotism) and she said that she was not going to give an intro chem award either for this reason (which I would easily have won), which my mom pointed out was a rather BS excuse, since her daughter was definitely not in the intro chem class! I'm trying to remember whether Mrs. W gave me an AP chem award the next year, or whether she pulled the same trick of "oh, I didn't give one last year, so I won't this year either." I'll have to ask my mom, next time we talk. (I guarantee my mom will remember if Mrs. W didn't. My mom does not forget grudges!)
Now that I think back on it, I absolutely adored Mrs. W's class but she never gave me any positive feedback (unlike my math and French teachers, who were delighted with me, or my 10th grade English teacher, who was the type not to give positive feedback but I think mostly just was distantly amused by me) -- so -- it's possible! Or possibly she just wasn't a very demonstrative teacher (which is true). At the time I didn't care, I just wanted her to teach me chemistry and she did, and occasionally gave an interesting challenge problem, and wasn't in any way overtly unfair, so I liked her! My mom does have a track record of being right about these kinds of things, which is the main reason I think that it could be true that she didn't like me. But my mom also is extremely cynical about human nature, so. (On the third hand, that's possibly why she's often right!)
Your mom's teachers, on the other hand...! I can see that that one teacher shouldn't have told her about the previous teacher, but man I can see why New Teacher did!
Part of the reason I'm sharing all this is to give you some of the context for why and how my family does not care, not even a little, if their kids are successful. Which I know blows your mind! :)
It just boggles my mind because... don't they want their kids not to go through all the struggles they had to go through? I mean, this was a major motivation of my parents as we were growing up! My parents went through a *lot* and they really did not want their kids to have to do that!
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Date: 2022-06-18 05:32 am (UTC)I guess the one exception was band -- I took band in 6th grade, played flute (this is how I know anything about the flute, lol), and was SO VERY BAD at it. Just abysmal. And every day I wanted to tell the band director, who was clearly very frustrated by me, that I was actually a really good musician who won awards, just not with this instrument! But I didn't, because I could see that it wasn't really relevant to the fact that I did, in fact, suck at flute.
Also, although I didn't know how to make friends as a middle schooler, I also wasn't ostracized. People just mostly left me alone (there were a couple of unfortunate incidents, but I don't think I had any more than anyone else had). Interestingly, there was a particular girl (also Asian), a couple of years older than I was; after I got accelerated in science I was in a couple of science classes with her, maybe one or two math classes as well. The way people behaved around her was different than the way they behaved around me -- people really didn't like her, and I remember people assuring me that oh, you aren't like that. I think that in her case she was much more fussy about grades and wanting to know what grades other people had made and comparing them to hers. I wanted very much for the teacher to know I was making the best grade in the class, but I didn't talk to other students about my grades unless they asked me! (And I was happy to help anyone who asked for help -- not sure where that tendency came from; I suspect I've just always liked that.)
...In a rather tangential story, this discussion is also reminding me of my chemistry teacher, Mrs. W, whom I took both intro chem and AP chem from (with the girl mentioned above, in fact) and who was a fantastic chemistry teacher. My mom was convinced Mrs. W didn't like me. At the end-of-year awards ceremony, each science class would give a plaque to the kid who had the best grade in the class. When I took intro chem from Mrs. W, she didn't give an AP chem award (because her daughter would have won it, which she said would look like nepotism) and she said that she was not going to give an intro chem award either for this reason (which I would easily have won), which my mom pointed out was a rather BS excuse, since her daughter was definitely not in the intro chem class! I'm trying to remember whether Mrs. W gave me an AP chem award the next year, or whether she pulled the same trick of "oh, I didn't give one last year, so I won't this year either." I'll have to ask my mom, next time we talk. (I guarantee my mom will remember if Mrs. W didn't. My mom does not forget grudges!)
Now that I think back on it, I absolutely adored Mrs. W's class but she never gave me any positive feedback (unlike my math and French teachers, who were delighted with me, or my 10th grade English teacher, who was the type not to give positive feedback but I think mostly just was distantly amused by me) -- so -- it's possible! Or possibly she just wasn't a very demonstrative teacher (which is true). At the time I didn't care, I just wanted her to teach me chemistry and she did, and occasionally gave an interesting challenge problem, and wasn't in any way overtly unfair, so I liked her! My mom does have a track record of being right about these kinds of things, which is the main reason I think that it could be true that she didn't like me. But my mom also is extremely cynical about human nature, so. (On the third hand, that's possibly why she's often right!)
Your mom's teachers, on the other hand...! I can see that that one teacher shouldn't have told her about the previous teacher, but man I can see why New Teacher did!
Part of the reason I'm sharing all this is to give you some of the context for why and how my family does not care, not even a little, if their kids are successful. Which I know blows your mind! :)
It just boggles my mind because... don't they want their kids not to go through all the struggles they had to go through? I mean, this was a major motivation of my parents as we were growing up! My parents went through a *lot* and they really did not want their kids to have to do that!