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the fallacy of the first lover
(I would totally read a book or story with that title. Anyone want to write one for me? :) ) Okay, so, I recently read all these Robin Hobb books, and I'm racing through these Kage Baker books, and this has reminded me forcibly of the Fallacy of the First Lover, as I will call it. This is the theory that I feel like I've seen in just about a million books that your first lover/boyfriend/girlfriend/childhood crush is Special and that you will Never Find Anyone Better Than Him or Her No Matter How Hard You Try, Because Your Heart Has Been Stolen Away Forever Because It Is Clearly Fate. (See also, for example, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, where the main character is told by her own mom that she will never love anyone the way she loved her first love, and Emily of New Moon.) (Disclaimer: Since I haven't finished the Baker books, I don't know that they will end this way, but it's sure seeming a lot like it right now.) This, of course, doesn't mean that I won't like the book, but it is certainly a trope that drives me a bit nuts.
It drives me nuts because in my limited experience, I can't actually think of anyone in real life for which this is true (with one possible exception). In my case, the first time I fell shatteringly in love, I was flamingly adolescent and extremely silly and not very good at picking attractive long-term-mate qualities. ...And it's true I've never loved anyone the way I loved him, but I'm inclined to think that this is a Very Good Thing, as my love was all about drama and emotion and selfishness and not at all about building a future together and becoming a better person/partnership.
(I'm totally willing to make an exception for medieval-like settings in towns where you know all ten eligible girls and you're not likely to meet any more than that, or where you are royalty and therefore have to make the best of whatever alliance you're given-- although points off if said alliance just happens to be with the strange girl you fell in love with but had to disdain because of your impending marriage, but double points if the strange girl actually happens to be your mortal enemy's fiance (I have particular books in mind here, but won't name them for fear of spoilering-- though comments are fair game if anyone wants to play). But Fitz and Mendoza have no excuse in this regard.)
To get major points from me: Be honest in this regard and let the characters have several (or at least two, come on) relationships which may or may not be dysfunctional in various ways, and loving in various ways, until they get to the One That Is (More) Right, the way that most of us bumble about it. Miles Vorkosigan (you knew I was going to say that). Vicky Austin (kind of) and Polyhymnia O'Keefe (somewhat more so) in the L'Engle books. Janet in Tam Lin.
It drives me nuts because in my limited experience, I can't actually think of anyone in real life for which this is true (with one possible exception). In my case, the first time I fell shatteringly in love, I was flamingly adolescent and extremely silly and not very good at picking attractive long-term-mate qualities. ...And it's true I've never loved anyone the way I loved him, but I'm inclined to think that this is a Very Good Thing, as my love was all about drama and emotion and selfishness and not at all about building a future together and becoming a better person/partnership.
(I'm totally willing to make an exception for medieval-like settings in towns where you know all ten eligible girls and you're not likely to meet any more than that, or where you are royalty and therefore have to make the best of whatever alliance you're given-- although points off if said alliance just happens to be with the strange girl you fell in love with but had to disdain because of your impending marriage, but double points if the strange girl actually happens to be your mortal enemy's fiance (I have particular books in mind here, but won't name them for fear of spoilering-- though comments are fair game if anyone wants to play). But Fitz and Mendoza have no excuse in this regard.)
To get major points from me: Be honest in this regard and let the characters have several (or at least two, come on) relationships which may or may not be dysfunctional in various ways, and loving in various ways, until they get to the One That Is (More) Right, the way that most of us bumble about it. Miles Vorkosigan (you knew I was going to say that). Vicky Austin (kind of) and Polyhymnia O'Keefe (somewhat more so) in the L'Engle books. Janet in Tam Lin.
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BTW, "if the strange girl actually happens to be your mortal enemy's fiance (I have particular books in mind here..)": would you have been thinking of Keltia?
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would you have been thinking of Keltia?
Got it in one! Yeah, I actually thought that was a pretty cool plot element, even if Aeron didn't think so :)
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Thinking about it, it probably helped that this started as friendship (though instant close friendship and trust), and progressed to sex later.
And the fact that Aeron didn't think so is what made it a pretty good plot element!
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I suspect this makes you more mature than my college self right there :)
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That's not to say one couldn't have a long relationship with one's first crush, but as you noted (and I confirm), most of us have first crushes based on very shallow considerations. It is just luck if they turn out well.
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(Perhaps I'll rant about this in the context of YA novels someday-- in adult fiction, like the Hobb and Baker I referenced in the post, I mind less because presumably adults can figure out things for themselves, but it presses all my rage buttons when a YA novel supports what I consider an unhealthy mindset.)