(no subject)

[cahn]

I used to think, with all the #metoo stuff and so on, gosh, what is it with, well, mostly men, not understanding boundaries and how to take no for an answer and respecting people's bodies and so on.

...now that I have two kids, I now think: it is freaking amazing that ANYONE, EVER, manages to understand this stuff.

Seriously: Every Single Day for the last week, possibly month, I have said something along the lines of "WE RESPECT OTHER PEOPLE'S BODIES. [A/E/I] SAID DON'T DO THAT. THAT PERSON GETS TO DECIDE ABOUT THAT PERSON'S OWN BODY." Every. Day.

(It's mostly to the three-year-old, but it's the eight-year-old a nontrivial amount of the time too.)

Comments

[duskpeterson]

It's easy to forget, as an adult, how incredibly hard it was to learn and live ethical rules - assuming that parents have the time and energy to teach those rules. Congratulations to you for your efforts!

[cahn]

Ha, yes! Thanks. From day to day it's really not clear whether it's having any effect at all, but I think it is in the long run, hopefully :)

[rosefox]

We're dealing with this in the other direction. My toddler is now at the age and cuteness level where total strangers come up and pat their head or ask for a hug, which to me is so incredibly weird, so they get to hear me say loudly "Do you want to be touched/to touch that person? It's okay if you don't!" several times a week.

Today a daycare friend ran up and hugged Kit as we were leaving, and they didn't hug back—they gave me this amazing frozen smile of "ha ha what is happening, I am being hugged and it is okay I think but I'm not sure?". The friend also looked uncertain and darted off to hug their parent's leg. I said "Do you want a hug? It's okay if you don't". Kit thought about it and then walked over to their friend and stood within hugging distance, and the friend gave them another hug they didn't return, and everyone seemed contented.

Where we do enforce bodily autonomy a LOT is with the cats, because Kit so desperately wants to be their friend and they do not really want to be Kit's friends. "The cat is walking away/shrinking back/lashing their tail, that means no, respect the cat's no" is said in my household at least once a day.

[cahn]

WHAT, that is incredibly weird. I have actually gotten the head-patting thing before (though I think toddler has mostly grown out of that, now) but never a stranger asking for a hug. Yeesh!

Heh, yeah, analogous to your cat situation, the toddler pretty much always wants to do physical play with the eight-year-old, and eight-year-old sometimes wants to but has a muuuuuch lower threshold of what is considered happy play than three-year-old.

[rosefox]

You're probably not worried about your eight-year-old permanently scarring your three-year-old after one too many friendly advances, though! We're being really diligent about trimming the cats' claws right now, because Kit's gotten a couple of scratches for being too persistent, and doesn't really understand what they should be doing differently.

The hug thing is just so odd to me. The people asking for hugs tend to be older women from the Caribbean side of the neighborhood, so maybe it's a cultural difference?