how she got the idea at an early age that showing off how smart she was was the way to get approval from adults, and didn't realize that this was not effective with other kids.
See, I knew it was the way to get approval from adults (modulo my inconsistent mother), and knew full well that it wasn't always effective with other kids (except I was kind of surprised by how often it was--I was pretty popular, to the annoyance of both me and my sister), but as you and I have talked about, the adults were my in-group and the only people whose opinion mattered.
Like many people, I did tone it down as an adult, but not because I suddenly had the social skills to realize it was not the thing to do with my peers. For other reasons.
But then I also didn't have anything like the sense of failure or longing for community that you describe of O'Toole. Which is a common thing I see among people on the spectrum, the "I didn't realize!" or "I want to, but I don't know how!" or "I don't understand why I'm not getting the outcome I want!" phenomena. Whereas for me it's almost always "I know what you all want me to do, and I perfectly well could, I just make different choices, and I'm comfortable with the outcomes of those choices."
Which, as we've discussed, is why I have a hard time identifying as on the spectrum. By and large, it doesn't feel like a disability. It feels like having different psychological needs than everyone else, whether spectrum or NT, and getting those needs met my way.
no subject
See, I knew it was the way to get approval from adults (modulo my inconsistent mother), and knew full well that it wasn't always effective with other kids (except I was kind of surprised by how often it was--I was pretty popular, to the annoyance of both me and my sister), but as you and I have talked about, the adults were my in-group and the only people whose opinion mattered.
Like many people, I did tone it down as an adult, but not because I suddenly had the social skills to realize it was not the thing to do with my peers. For other reasons.
But then I also didn't have anything like the sense of failure or longing for community that you describe of O'Toole. Which is a common thing I see among people on the spectrum, the "I didn't realize!" or "I want to, but I don't know how!" or "I don't understand why I'm not getting the outcome I want!" phenomena. Whereas for me it's almost always "I know what you all want me to do, and I perfectly well could, I just make different choices, and I'm comfortable with the outcomes of those choices."
Which, as we've discussed, is why I have a hard time identifying as on the spectrum. By and large, it doesn't feel like a disability. It feels like having different psychological needs than everyone else, whether spectrum or NT, and getting those needs met my way.