Since this is a time for cheering up, here's another hilarious story from someone's memoirs - Poniatowski's, about how his affair with Catherine was finally busted by Peter. Which turned out to be a French farce instead of a Russian drama. For:
Since everything previously had gone well, and I had gotten used to the disguises and all the details that enabled these excursions, any danger seemed passed to me, and on July 6th I dared an excursion without having made arrangements with the Grand Duchess first, as we'd always had done it previously. I rented, as usual, a small covered carriage, which was driven by a Russian Iwokotchik, who didn't know me; on the backside of the carriage, the same disguised footman who'd come with me previously was there as well. In this night - which wasn't a night in Russia - we unfortunately encountered in the forest of Oranienbaum the Grand Duke with his entire entourage, all half drunk. The Iwokotchik was asked whom he was driving. He replied that he didn't know. My footman answered that I was a tailor. They let us pass, though Elisaveta Woronzowa, a lady-in-waiting to the Grand Duchess and the mistress of the Grand Duke, voiced suspicions about the supposed tailor which put the Grand Duke into the worst mood.
After I had spent a few hours with the Grand Duchess and left the secluded pavillon in which she then lived under the pretense of taking the baths, I was attacked after a few steps by three riders with their swords unsheathed, who took me by the collor and brought me to the Grand Duke; when he recognized me, he just ordered his companions to follow him. We went a path leading to the sea. I thought my ending was near; but on the shore, we turned right and went to another pavillon, where the Grand Duke asked me with unmistakable words whether I had relations with his wife. I denied it.
He: "Tell the truth, for if you tell the truth, everything can still be arranged, but if you deny it, you'll suffer."
I: "I can't admit having done something which I haven't done."
Now he went to the nearby room where he seemed to be in conversation with the people from his entourage; shortly afterwards, he returned and said:
He: "Well, since you won't talk, you'll have to remain here until further notice." And he left me. AT the door there was a guard, with me in the room there remained only General Brockdorf. (Brockdorf: childhood friend of Peter, Fritz and Prussia fan, too, mutual loathing between him and Poniatowski as well as between him and Catherine.) We remained in deepest silence for two hours, after which Count Alexander Schuvalov entered, the cousin of the (Empress') favourite. He was the Great Inquisitor, the head of the terrible department known in Russia as "the Secret Chancellory". As if nature wanted to widen the horror which the naming of his office alone produced, it had equipped him with nervous twitches which distorted his already ugly face whenever he was occupied with something.
HIs appearance let me be certain that the Czarina knew everything. He muttered a few words with an embarrassed face which seemed to signify he wanted an explanation from me about all that had happened.
Instead of indulging him with details, I said: "I think you'll understand that the honor of your court demand that this matter gets ended with the least possible attention, and that you set me free immediately."
He, still stammering, since he stuttered, too: "You're right, I'll get it sorted." He left, and in less than an hour was back in order to tell me that my carriage was ready, and that I could return to Peterhof.
It was a miserable carriage, made entirely of glass, like a lantern. in this supposed incognito i had to make my way at six in the morning, in bright daylight with two horses slowly across the deep sand, and this trip seemed to last a life time to me.
At some distance to Peterhof, I ordered the carriage to stop; I sent the carriage back, and went on foot for the rest of the way, in my big collar and my grey cap which I had pulled deep down my ears. One could have taken me for a robber, but at least I drew less attention from the curious than I would have done in that carriage.
When I had arrived at the wooden building where I was staying along with some other gentlemen belonging to the entourage of Prince Karl (of Saxony) in the ground floor rooms, the windows of which had all been opened, I didn't want to enter through the doors in order to avoid meeting anyone. God knows, I thought I was being smart by entering my room through the window; but I mistook the window and with one movement jumped right into my neighbour's room, General Roniker, who just then was getting shaved. He believed that he was facing a phantom. For some moments we were facing each other silently, and then we both burst into laughter. I said:
"Don't ask me where I'm coming from, and not why I jumped through that window, but as my loyal countryman you have to give me your word of honor not to mention anything to anyone."
He did give me his word, and I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep.
Two days I spent in the most horrible uncertainty. I saw on everyone's face that my adventure had become public, but no one mentioned it to me. At last, the Grand Duchess found a way to slip a billet to me, and I saw that she'd undertaken steps to win over the Grand Duke's mistress. Two days later, the Grand Duke came with his wife and his entire court to Peterhof, in order to celebrate St. Peter's Day, a holiday for the court in honor of the founder of this place.
That same evening, there was a court ball; I danced with Elizaveta Woronzova, a menuet, and told her on that occasion: "You could make a few people very happy." She replied: "It is as good as done. Just come an our after midnight with Lev Alexandrovich to the Pavillon Montplaisir where their imperial highnesses are lodging, in the lower gardens."
I pressed her hand; I talked to Lev Alexandrovitch Narishkin. He said: "Just go, you'll meet the Grand Duke there."
I mulled on this for a moment, then I said to Branicki: "Do you want to risk it to stroll with me tonight through the lower gardens? God knows where that stroll will lead us to, bu tit m ight take a good enging." He agreed without hesitation, and we go at the arranged hour to the arranged place. About twenty steps from the salon, I met Elisaveta Woronzova, who told me: "You need to wait somewhat, the Grand Duke is still smoking pipes with some people, and he first wants to get rid of them before talking to you." She left a few times to deduce the opportune moment. At last she said: "You may enter." And the Grand Duke approaches me with a joyful look and says: "You're a big fool for not confiding in me in time! If you'd done so we wouldn't have had this scandal!"
I agreed to everything, as you may well believe, and at once started to praise the deep wisdom in the military arrangments of his imperial highness which I couldn't possibly escape from. This flattered him extraordinarily, and put him into an excellent mood, so he said after fifteen minutes of this: "Since we're such good friends now, there's still someone missing."
Consequently, he went into his wife's room, pulled her out of her bed, left her only time to put on some stockings and a dressing gown - but she wasn't allowed to put on shoes or even an underskirt -, leads her into the room in this outfit and tells her while pointing at me:
"Well, here she is. I hope one will be content with me."
She used the opportunity and replied at once: "It only needs a few lines from your hand to the Vice Chancellor Woronzov to ask him that he should request the immediate return of our friend to our court from Warsaw."
The Grand Duke demanded a table in order to write. The only thing that could be found was a tablet which was put on his knees, and he writes an urgent billet to Woronzov in this matter; to me, he handed another paper, signed by his mistress as well, which I still possess in the original:
"You can be assured that I will do everything so that you may return. I will talk to everyone about this and will prove to you I will not forget you. I ask you not to forget me and to believe that I shall remain your friend and that I will do that is in my power to serve you. I remain your very affectionate servant Elisaveta Woronzova. "
Afterwards, the six of us chatted, joked around with a little fountain which was in the salon, as if we hadn't the slightest worries, and only left each other at four in the morning.
As crazy as all of this may sound - I swear it is nothing but the truth. This was the beginning of my intimacy with Branicki.
How (Not) To Conduct A Very Secret Affair
Since everything previously had gone well, and I had gotten used to the disguises and all the details that enabled these excursions, any danger seemed passed to me, and on July 6th I dared an excursion without having made arrangements with the Grand Duchess first, as we'd always had done it previously. I rented, as usual, a small covered carriage, which was driven by a Russian Iwokotchik, who didn't know me; on the backside of the carriage, the same disguised footman who'd come with me previously was there as well. In this night - which wasn't a night in Russia - we unfortunately encountered in the forest of Oranienbaum the Grand Duke with his entire entourage, all half drunk. The Iwokotchik was asked whom he was driving. He replied that he didn't know. My footman answered that I was a tailor. They let us pass, though Elisaveta Woronzowa, a lady-in-waiting to the Grand Duchess and the mistress of the Grand Duke, voiced suspicions about the supposed tailor which put the Grand Duke into the worst mood.
After I had spent a few hours with the Grand Duchess and left the secluded pavillon in which she then lived under the pretense of taking the baths, I was attacked after a few steps by three riders with their swords unsheathed, who took me by the collor and brought me to the Grand Duke; when he recognized me, he just ordered his companions to follow him. We went a path leading to the sea. I thought my ending was near; but on the shore, we turned right and went to another pavillon, where the Grand Duke asked me with unmistakable words whether I had relations with his wife.
I denied it.
He: "Tell the truth, for if you tell the truth, everything can still be arranged, but if you deny it, you'll suffer."
I: "I can't admit having done something which I haven't done."
Now he went to the nearby room where he seemed to be in conversation with the people from his entourage; shortly afterwards, he returned and said:
He: "Well, since you won't talk, you'll have to remain here until further notice."
And he left me. AT the door there was a guard, with me in the room there remained only General Brockdorf. (Brockdorf: childhood friend of Peter, Fritz and Prussia fan, too, mutual loathing between him and Poniatowski as well as between him and Catherine.) We remained in deepest silence for two hours, after which Count Alexander Schuvalov entered, the cousin of the (Empress') favourite. He was the Great Inquisitor, the head of the terrible department known in Russia as "the Secret Chancellory". As if nature wanted to widen the horror which the naming of his office alone produced, it had equipped him with nervous twitches which distorted his already ugly face whenever he was occupied with something.
HIs appearance let me be certain that the Czarina knew everything. He muttered a few words with an embarrassed face which seemed to signify he wanted an explanation from me about all that had happened.
Instead of indulging him with details, I said: "I think you'll understand that the honor of your court demand that this matter gets ended with the least possible attention, and that you set me free immediately."
He, still stammering, since he stuttered, too: "You're right, I'll get it sorted."
He left, and in less than an hour was back in order to tell me that my carriage was ready, and that I could return to Peterhof.
It was a miserable carriage, made entirely of glass, like a lantern. in this supposed incognito i had to make my way at six in the morning, in bright daylight with two horses slowly across the deep sand, and this trip seemed to last a life time to me.
At some distance to Peterhof, I ordered the carriage to stop; I sent the carriage back, and went on foot for the rest of the way, in my big collar and my grey cap which I had pulled deep down my ears. One could have taken me for a robber, but at least I drew less attention from the curious than I would have done in that carriage.
When I had arrived at the wooden building where I was staying along with some other gentlemen belonging to the entourage of Prince Karl (of Saxony) in the ground floor rooms, the windows of which had all been opened, I didn't want to enter through the doors in order to avoid meeting anyone. God knows, I thought I was being smart by entering my room through the window; but I mistook the window and with one movement jumped right into my neighbour's room, General Roniker, who just then was getting shaved. He believed that he was facing a phantom. For some moments we were facing each other silently, and then we both burst into laughter. I said:
"Don't ask me where I'm coming from, and not why I jumped through that window, but as my loyal countryman you have to give me your word of honor not to mention anything to anyone."
He did give me his word, and I went to bed, but I couldn't sleep.
Two days I spent in the most horrible uncertainty. I saw on everyone's face that my adventure had become public, but no one mentioned it to me. At last, the Grand Duchess found a way to slip a billet to me, and I saw that she'd undertaken steps to win over the Grand Duke's mistress. Two days later, the Grand Duke came with his wife and his entire court to Peterhof, in order to celebrate St. Peter's Day, a holiday for the court in honor of the founder of this place.
That same evening, there was a court ball; I danced with Elizaveta Woronzova, a menuet, and told her on that occasion: "You could make a few people very happy." She replied: "It is as good as done. Just come an our after midnight with Lev Alexandrovich to the Pavillon Montplaisir where their imperial highnesses are lodging, in the lower gardens."
I pressed her hand; I talked to Lev Alexandrovitch Narishkin. He said: "Just go, you'll meet the Grand Duke there."
I mulled on this for a moment, then I said to Branicki: "Do you want to risk it to stroll with me tonight through the lower gardens? God knows where that stroll will lead us to, bu tit m ight take a good enging." He agreed without hesitation, and we go at the arranged hour to the arranged place. About twenty steps from the salon, I met Elisaveta Woronzova, who told me: "You need to wait somewhat, the Grand Duke is still smoking pipes with some people, and he first wants to get rid of them before talking to you." She left a few times to deduce the opportune moment. At last she said: "You may enter." And the Grand Duke approaches me with a joyful look and says: "You're a big fool for not confiding in me in time! If you'd done so we wouldn't have had this scandal!"
I agreed to everything, as you may well believe, and at once started to praise the deep wisdom in the military arrangments of his imperial highness which I couldn't possibly escape from. This flattered him extraordinarily, and put him into an excellent mood, so he said after fifteen minutes of this: "Since we're such good friends now, there's still someone missing."
Consequently, he went into his wife's room, pulled her out of her bed, left her only time to put on some stockings and a dressing gown - but she wasn't allowed to put on shoes or even an underskirt -, leads her into the room in this outfit and tells her while pointing at me:
"Well, here she is. I hope one will be content with me."
She used the opportunity and replied at once: "It only needs a few lines from your hand to the Vice Chancellor Woronzov to ask him that he should request the immediate return of our friend to our court from Warsaw."
The Grand Duke demanded a table in order to write. The only thing that could be found was a tablet which was put on his knees, and he writes an urgent billet to Woronzov in this matter; to me, he handed another paper, signed by his mistress as well, which I still possess in the original:
"You can be assured that I will do everything so that you may return. I will talk to everyone about this and will prove to you I will not forget you. I ask you not to forget me and to believe that I shall remain your friend and that I will do that is in my power to serve you. I remain your very affectionate servant Elisaveta Woronzova. "
Afterwards, the six of us chatted, joked around with a little fountain which was in the salon, as if we hadn't the slightest worries, and only left each other at four in the morning.
As crazy as all of this may sound - I swear it is nothing but the truth. This was the beginning of my intimacy with Branicki.
Exit Poniatowski to Poland a short time later.