So here I was, idly checking whether sister Ulrike survived Fritz or vice versa (he survived her), when reading the English wiki entry on her, which is far more extensive than the German one, sent me into a rabbit hole because near the end of her life, events happened that proved there’s no crazy like Hohenzollern crazy, unless it’s Hohenzollern-Vasa crazy. For verily, this happened, starring the following players:
Gustav III: Ulrike’s oldest son. Future Verdi tenor. Married, but lacking an heir. Fredrik Munck: Finnish sex machine with ambitions. Currently getting it on with, among others, the chambermaid of... SophIa Magdalena: Gustav’s unhappy queen. Definitely not liked by... Ulrike: Gustav’s mother, not very happy about being Queen Dowager and sidelined. Charles: Ulrike’s second son. Suffers from chronic second son ombition. In minor roles: Ulrike’s even younger kids.
If you think you’ve guessed where this is going, think again. Because Gustav is also bff with one Axel von Fersen, handsome Swedish count, in love with Marie Antoinette (whether or not they ever had sex is still disputed, but in future years, he’ll certainly go above and beyond trying to save her). I’m guessing Fersen told him that the French Royal couple also had problems getting it on and getting an heir for years, and solved this by getting third party counselling. Gustav must have misunderstood something, because what he decides to do is this:
G: So, Munck. I hear you’re really, really good at sex. Clearly the go to person to tell me and the Queen how to get an heir. M: Sure, why not. G: In a practical, hands- on fashion. M: Say what? G: I‘m talking manual instructions, my man. To both of us at the same time. You, me, her in the Royal Bedchamber. M: I‘m so putting it in writing that this was your idea and leaving the document to the Swedish National Archive where it is to this day.
*nine months later, an heir is had*
Charles: Hi, Mom. I‘m just paying a visit with even younger bro Fredrick Adolf, ever so casually mentioning that other than you, every woman in Sweden is a slut and has lovers.
U: You do remind me of my brother Fritz at times. Surely not every woman? How about your sister-in-law?
C: Total slut, getting it on with the Finnish sex nmachine.
U: Say what? You mean that kid does not have Hohenzollern blood?
C: That kid which has been taking my place as Gustav‘s heir? Kinda doubt that. Rumor has it Gustav is getting it on with him, too.
U: Charles, stop kidding around. This is serious. If that kid is a bastard, it‘s your royal duty to make that known. Get the Finnish guy to confess!
C: Thanks, Mom, I knew you‘d see it like that. Munck, spill the dirty details and restore my place in the succession.
M: Gustav, remember how this was all your idea? Your brother is getting on my case, big time. I need royal protection!
G: Charles, what the hell do you think you‘re doing?
M: It was all Mom‘s idea. I‘m totally innocent.
G: WTF, Mom?
U: I raised you better. In my family, boys who can‘t get it on with their wives make their brothers and their brother‘s kids their heirs. Your uncle Fritz would NEVER have gone for the bastard option.
G: That kid is mine. You want to go to Pomerania into exile?
U: Is not. Make Charles your heir! To me, my other children! Remember, the slut‘s kid is barring you all from succession!
Ulrike‘s younger children: *side with her*
G: Okay, now it‘s war. Mom, if you don‘t sign a public statement that you withdraw your accusation against my wife and son, I‘m sending you home to Prussia. Without a retirement fund. You really want to find out whether Uncle Fritz will take you back? As for you, younger bros and sisters, I‘m still holding the purse string. No more income for you unless you co-sign Mom‘s statement. For good measure, I‘ll have six Swedish MPs co-sign it as well.
U: I curse you to suffer the fate of a Verdi tenor and die not too long after signing the statement.
M: That was surely the most troublesome threesome I ever had.
Meanwhile, in Sweden
Gustav III: Ulrike’s oldest son. Future Verdi tenor. Married, but lacking an heir.
Fredrik Munck: Finnish sex machine with ambitions. Currently getting it on with, among others, the chambermaid of...
SophIa Magdalena: Gustav’s unhappy queen. Definitely not liked by...
Ulrike: Gustav’s mother, not very happy about being Queen Dowager and sidelined.
Charles: Ulrike’s second son. Suffers from chronic second son ombition.
In minor roles: Ulrike’s even younger kids.
If you think you’ve guessed where this is going, think again. Because Gustav is also bff with one Axel von Fersen, handsome Swedish count, in love with Marie Antoinette (whether or not they ever had sex is still disputed, but in future years, he’ll certainly go above and beyond trying to save her). I’m guessing Fersen told him that the French Royal couple also had problems getting it on and getting an heir for years, and solved this by getting third party counselling. Gustav must have misunderstood something, because what he decides to do is this:
G: So, Munck. I hear you’re really, really good at sex. Clearly the go to person to tell me and the Queen how to get an heir.
M: Sure, why not.
G: In a practical, hands- on fashion.
M: Say what?
G: I‘m talking manual instructions, my man. To both of us at the same time. You, me, her in the Royal Bedchamber.
M: I‘m so putting it in writing that this was your idea and leaving the document to the Swedish National Archive where it is to this day.
*nine months later, an heir is had*
Charles: Hi, Mom. I‘m just paying a visit with even younger bro Fredrick Adolf, ever so casually mentioning that other than you, every woman in Sweden is a slut and has lovers.
U: You do remind me of my brother Fritz at times. Surely not every woman? How about your sister-in-law?
C: Total slut, getting it on with the Finnish sex nmachine.
U: Say what? You mean that kid does not have Hohenzollern blood?
C: That kid which has been taking my place as Gustav‘s heir? Kinda doubt that. Rumor has it Gustav is getting it on with him, too.
U: Charles, stop kidding around. This is serious. If that kid is a bastard, it‘s your royal duty to make that known. Get the Finnish guy to confess!
C: Thanks, Mom, I knew you‘d see it like that. Munck, spill the dirty details and restore my place in the succession.
M: Gustav, remember how this was all your idea? Your brother is getting on my case, big time. I need royal protection!
G: Charles, what the hell do you think you‘re doing?
M: It was all Mom‘s idea. I‘m totally innocent.
G: WTF, Mom?
U: I raised you better. In my family, boys who can‘t get it on with their wives make their brothers and their brother‘s kids their heirs. Your uncle Fritz would NEVER have gone for the bastard option.
G: That kid is mine. You want to go to Pomerania into exile?
U: Is not. Make Charles your heir! To me, my other children! Remember, the slut‘s kid is barring you all from succession!
Ulrike‘s younger children: *side with her*
G: Okay, now it‘s war. Mom, if you don‘t sign a public statement that you withdraw your accusation against my wife and son, I‘m sending you home to Prussia. Without a retirement fund. You really want to find out whether Uncle Fritz will take you back? As for you, younger bros and sisters, I‘m still holding the purse string. No more income for you unless you co-sign Mom‘s statement. For good measure, I‘ll have six Swedish MPs co-sign it as well.
U: I curse you to suffer the fate of a Verdi tenor and die not too long after signing the statement.
M: That was surely the most troublesome threesome I ever had.
G: Time for a Masque Ball, anyone?