Okay, playing devil's advocate here, the only redeeming value of that letter (and the subsequent letter, which is more of same) is that it's...it's complicated, but much of it is what Fritz tells *himself* when he loses someone he loves. Partly he's being callous, obviously he's scapegoating, but also I believe he's genuinely trying to be helpful and totally oblivious to the fact that this is NOT HELPFUL. (Especially when coming from someone who has a difficult relationship with Heinrich. Seriously, Fritz, don't try to be helpful. Just, "I'm really sorry about your loss, you must feel terrible, I loved him too, I still love you, let me know if you need anything, your servant, etc." and stop there. Seriously. NO ADVICE.)
Anyway, there are two main aspects of his letters to Heinrich after AW's death. One is, "I loved AW too, please don't think I didn't." Now, Fritz's (in)ability to 1) not fuck up family relations in the first place, 2) make amends when there's still time, 3) admit wrongdoing when it's too late, is the obvious major problem here. But given that, you can see the attempt at mollifying. This, of course, is where the saying "intent is not magic" comes in. But the attempt was there.
The second part is: the human condition and how to deal with grief. And this is something Fritz seriously struggled with all his life. He had a lot of practice. :/ And he was always torn between seeing the value of Stoicism and Stoic-influenced philosophy on the one hand, and on the other believing that the ability to form emotional bonds with people is what makes us human, and that anyone who can effortlessly brush off loss the way the Stoics want would not be human, and he's not even sure you want to be that person. Except it would hurt a hell of a lot less, so he kind of wants to be that person. But he can't in any case.
Reading the back and forth of his letters to and from Heinrich right after AW's death is eerily like reading an exchange inside Fritz's own head whenever someone he loved dies.
Fritz: I know it hurts; believe me, I've been there, and I'm actually pretty cut up about this particular loss too, but your duty requires you to carry on. <-- Something we know he frequently said to himself when he was tired and hurting and just wanted a break from it all.
Heinrich: Yes, I know, and I am and I will, please don't worry, but seriously, it's impossible for humans to not have any feeling at all. <-- What Fritz frequently said about himself when explaining how he spent the whole day crying instead of being philosophical.
Heinrich: Also, I'm pretty sure those who live away from human society are happier than princes. <-- What Fritz is known to have said after someone he loved died.
Fritz: Okay, I know what you're saying, but you can't let it get to you, you can't become a misanthrope. We are humans and we are part of society. <-- What Fritz, the misanthropically inclined, had to tell himself all the time. Yes, it comes across as hypocrisy whenever Fritz tells someone (Heinrich is not the only example) not to be a misanthrope, but I think he was actually not a committed misanthrope, but a traumatized-as-hell struggling-not-to-be-a misanthrope.
As condolence letters go, it's a complete failure of communication, but some of it is incompetence, rather than malice or sheer defensiveness (he is so freaking defensive about AW to both Heinrich and Catt it's not even funny).
Also in Fritz's defense, or at least as context, he has just lost not just his mother (and Fredersdorf), but one brother already (presumptively from grief), Wilhelmine is dying (she's got 3 months to live) and he's worried sick about her and constantly asking for news, he's worried about brother Ferdinand dying (he recovers, but Fritz doesn't know that at this point), and you can see him freaking out at the thought of Heinrich dying of grief, and going PLEASE DON'T at him.
Other things we know besides how AW just died of grief: Fritz isn't actively suicidal, but, especially at times of great loss, he does wistfully think about how nice it will be to be dead someday. Is he projecting his own emotional reactions to losing a beloved sibling onto Heinrich? Hell yes. Total breakdown in understanding what it would be useful for *Heinrich* to hear, but he's telling him what *he* wants to hear at a time like this, or at least the most useful things he can come up with to tell himself (which aren't very good, but at least keep him from giving up on life).
Which means, continuing with the theory of "this is what gets Fritz out of a grief-ridden borderline-suicidal funk"...there's the part where he goes, "Don't put me through losing you too." I'll delete my rant about how this is the single most common thing to say to someone who is seriously considering suicide (which I have no evidence Heinrich was) and probably second-most pernicious thing, but there is an aspect of "someone living still cares about you" that can be useful for someone in grief to hear. (Leaving aside the part where it needs to be phrased hella differently.)
Now, where has *Fritz* heard this line before? At Küstrin, when for 3 days after Katte's death, he was screaming, crying, feverish, possibly hallucinating or at least having severe flashbacks, and refusing to eat. Until finally someone said, "Look, if you starve yourself to death, it's going to hurt your mother and your sister."
And by all accounts, that was when he pulled himself together.
It's still one of the world's worst condolence letters, incredibly "me" focused and totally lacking in effective empathy. But, defensiveness aside, it is a very clear window into Fritz's brain, and an attempt to give Heinrich the only help that he himself ever got.
That's why I think the "See? See?! I told you so!" letters have less redeeming value. I find that hard to read as anything but sheer callousness, born of not caring about EC or her brother, or her other brother.
In conclusion, my own opinion about abuse is that abusers usually have reasons for the things they do, and you can totally understand those reasons and *still* declare the abusive behavior unacceptable and decide the right move is to protect yourself. Like, I understand my own family's behavior and hope they get help, but I'm still not on speaking terms with them.
Re: Fritz: Worst condolence letter writer ever?
Anyway, there are two main aspects of his letters to Heinrich after AW's death. One is, "I loved AW too, please don't think I didn't." Now, Fritz's (in)ability to 1) not fuck up family relations in the first place, 2) make amends when there's still time, 3) admit wrongdoing when it's too late, is the obvious major problem here. But given that, you can see the attempt at mollifying. This, of course, is where the saying "intent is not magic" comes in. But the attempt was there.
The second part is: the human condition and how to deal with grief. And this is something Fritz seriously struggled with all his life. He had a lot of practice. :/ And he was always torn between seeing the value of Stoicism and Stoic-influenced philosophy on the one hand, and on the other believing that the ability to form emotional bonds with people is what makes us human, and that anyone who can effortlessly brush off loss the way the Stoics want would not be human, and he's not even sure you want to be that person. Except it would hurt a hell of a lot less, so he kind of wants to be that person. But he can't in any case.
Reading the back and forth of his letters to and from Heinrich right after AW's death is eerily like reading an exchange inside Fritz's own head whenever someone he loved dies.
Fritz: I know it hurts; believe me, I've been there, and I'm actually pretty cut up about this particular loss too, but your duty requires you to carry on. <-- Something we know he frequently said to himself when he was tired and hurting and just wanted a break from it all.
Heinrich: Yes, I know, and I am and I will, please don't worry, but seriously, it's impossible for humans to not have any feeling at all. <-- What Fritz frequently said about himself when explaining how he spent the whole day crying instead of being philosophical.
Heinrich: Also, I'm pretty sure those who live away from human society are happier than princes. <-- What Fritz is known to have said after someone he loved died.
Fritz: Okay, I know what you're saying, but you can't let it get to you, you can't become a misanthrope. We are humans and we are part of society. <-- What Fritz, the misanthropically inclined, had to tell himself all the time. Yes, it comes across as hypocrisy whenever Fritz tells someone (Heinrich is not the only example) not to be a misanthrope, but I think he was actually not a committed misanthrope, but a traumatized-as-hell struggling-not-to-be-a misanthrope.
As condolence letters go, it's a complete failure of communication, but some of it is incompetence, rather than malice or sheer defensiveness (he is so freaking defensive about AW to both Heinrich and Catt it's not even funny).
Also in Fritz's defense, or at least as context, he has just lost not just his mother (and Fredersdorf), but one brother already (presumptively from grief), Wilhelmine is dying (she's got 3 months to live) and he's worried sick about her and constantly asking for news, he's worried about brother Ferdinand dying (he recovers, but Fritz doesn't know that at this point), and you can see him freaking out at the thought of Heinrich dying of grief, and going PLEASE DON'T at him.
Other things we know besides how AW just died of grief: Fritz isn't actively suicidal, but, especially at times of great loss, he does wistfully think about how nice it will be to be dead someday. Is he projecting his own emotional reactions to losing a beloved sibling onto Heinrich? Hell yes. Total breakdown in understanding what it would be useful for *Heinrich* to hear, but he's telling him what *he* wants to hear at a time like this, or at least the most useful things he can come up with to tell himself (which aren't very good, but at least keep him from giving up on life).
Which means, continuing with the theory of "this is what gets Fritz out of a grief-ridden borderline-suicidal funk"...there's the part where he goes, "Don't put me through losing you too." I'll delete my rant about how this is the single most common thing to say to someone who is seriously considering suicide (which I have no evidence Heinrich was) and probably second-most pernicious thing, but there is an aspect of "someone living still cares about you" that can be useful for someone in grief to hear. (Leaving aside the part where it needs to be phrased hella differently.)
Now, where has *Fritz* heard this line before? At Küstrin, when for 3 days after Katte's death, he was screaming, crying, feverish, possibly hallucinating or at least having severe flashbacks, and refusing to eat. Until finally someone said, "Look, if you starve yourself to death, it's going to hurt your mother and your sister."
And by all accounts, that was when he pulled himself together.
It's still one of the world's worst condolence letters, incredibly "me" focused and totally lacking in effective empathy. But, defensiveness aside, it is a very clear window into Fritz's brain, and an attempt to give Heinrich the only help that he himself ever got.
That's why I think the "See? See?! I told you so!" letters have less redeeming value. I find that hard to read as anything but sheer callousness, born of not caring about EC or her brother, or her other brother.
In conclusion, my own opinion about abuse is that abusers usually have reasons for the things they do, and you can totally understand those reasons and *still* declare the abusive behavior unacceptable and decide the right move is to protect yourself. Like, I understand my own family's behavior and hope they get help, but I'm still not on speaking terms with them.